First, let me just say….ow.

I can’t walk straight.  My legs are wobbling, it hurts to stand up, my arse feels like it’s broken and I’m writing this in a bathtub I may not be able to exit.

I’m back at the gym.  Again…

This time last year I was in decent shape, getting in better shape.  I had slowly, over time, lost some weight and gained strength.  I felt pretty good. I gave away all my clothes that were too big.

And then…life happened.  We moved.  New house, new schools, new church, changes in both our jobs….

All my hard work all but stopped.  Some of the weight crept back.  The stress went up.   Some of the muscle went away and now mocks me as it slaps me with its jiggle. I have the energy of an asthmatic geriatric and it’s been a real struggle me mentally:  It’s hard starting over, because for me that means actually facing my failure and owning it…and being willing to move on and start again and take another chance that it will stick. 

And for me, it’s not so much about vanity.  I spent my 20’s and 30’s pretty heavily overweight.  Not gonna lie, that is a hard road. You develop a tough skin.  I like that I look better than I did, believe me.   But for me it’s about my health, keeping disease at bay… and staying alive to be there for my kids and be actively there for them instead of watching from a distance or a bench because I was physically incapable of chasing them.

That made my failure  hard to forgive: I feel like I let them down too.   But that’s life.  You get down, you get back up again and hope the distance of up lasts longer and your resilience to down increases.  

So new day, new attempt at gym, and while I’m not in the shape I was by any means, I’m also not where I was two or three or even 10 years ago.  

And I have taught myself as long as I keep getting up,  I’m living.  I’m striving.  

And the only place you can ever really start from is where you are…even if maybe it’s not where you’d prefer to be. 

So body, thank you for not losing hope; my bathtub, I thank you.  Sister, thank you for inspiring me without pushing too hard.  Husband, thank you for supporting me no matter what, and also possibly for helping me the hell out of the water because it’s getting cold and I’ve tried twice already now and….

Zzzzzzzzzzzzzz

Oh crap.  This could be awhile.