The path of life is sometimes soggy… Walk it anyway.

Posted on July 18, 2014 by balancinggal

My brain can be my worst enemy, and has a tendency to go to the dark side (in a less than comic Star Wars sense) and fills itself negative thoughts faster than I can deal with them. I feel emotions strongly, and I am a bit of an empath to boot which means I tend to suck in the emotions of others on top of my own. While I will refrain from labels, it is a struggle to be fighting your own head all of the time while trying to be a career girl, a wife, a mother and a friend. I’ve done everything I can think of through the years to try to deal with it, medically and otherwise, but recently one of my best coping mechanisms has become walking.

While part of my motivation is health – losing weight is a giant struggle. I can eat well, but it take me as long to lose 5 pounds as others can lose 20. My body does not give up its comfy coat readily, and I hypothesize (because the doctors look at me and shrug) this may be because my brain, in dark places, spends a lot of time in panic/anxiety mode. Maybe nature is trying to protect me from the dangers my brain tells it to expect – or hibernate until it all goes away – I don’t know. But what I have decided is that if I am going to be built like a short, boxy bear, I am going to be a healthy one with strong muscles and an ability to walk for miles without rest…and one who is at more peace with herself and her place in life.

This morning I was restless. I was trying to work and I was getting things done but my brain wasn’t cooperating. I decided to check out a nature trail close by for a quick walk…only to find the entrance flooded.

While I stood looking at it – I decided to hell with it and went right through. And yes, my feet are soggy. And I walked over 2 miles through grasses and wildflowers listening to the squish squish on the gravel. I felt insanely proud that I didn’t let it stop me.

Life is hard. Life is messy, and sometimes soggy. But we are tough, and we own towels, and nothing should ever stop us from doing something that will ultimately make us better and bring us peace. God gave us legs and put us in a world with puddles and rain for a reason, and that link with nature should we embrace it, is a powerful antidote to all the stuff that doesn’t really matter – even if it makes your Nikes smell like swamp it is really the smell of victory.

#Valentine’s Day: an open love letter

Posted on February 14, 2014 by balancinggal

Dear Whosoever Might Be Reading:

Perhaps you got a beautiful card today, or gifts or flowers.

I hope you did. You should have. If you did not, well even if you did, I offer this small token.
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All out of Words…

Posted on August 1, 2012 by balancinggal

Do you ever go through those times where you don’t have the right words? Or even if you do have the right words, you don’t want to use them?

I’m experiencing something like that. It is odd, I suppose, and contradictory, to be writing about being out of words, but that’s how I have felt the past few days.

I don’t really want to talk about my feelings, my day, or my life to another person. It’s not that nothing is happening in my little world, I just find I presently lack commentary.

I don’t know if it is a conservation of energy, or soul, or just a desire for some kind of true silence, but right now I am feeling like the well is a bit dry. There is a kind of pain to that kind of withdrawal, and it hurts, but I think maybe sometimes we all just need to find a cave and chill, absent of the stress, and the people, and the obligations, and the struggles… and maybe even the words.

I feel a bit guilty about this, even though I mean no harm or offense to my loved ones. My normal desire to update my family and friends on things, my typical smart-assery, and my need to translate my head into verbiage just seems like it has shut down temporarily. The only exception to this seems my children: they are getting what words I do have, but even with them I think I am doing more watching and listening and (perhaps even a bit more than usual) cuddling.

I also haven’t stopped taking pictures, and still find myself pulling out my iPhone constantly to snap a shot. I thought that since I am lacking in one department, I would share some of my last few days and thoughts in pictures instead: sharing a little of what I have instead of what I feel, at least temporarily, I have not. Maybe it isn’t such a terrible thing when we occasionally shut our mouth and spend some time observing instead?

Do you ever find that you get this way? Like you’ve lost your words?

Keeping it Real

Posted on July 21, 2012 by balancinggal

It is sooo easy to get caught up in wanting what you don’t have. The high-end baby couture, the money,the boats, the vacations, the careers. I find myself wishing I had a different shape, a more exciting job, and a cabin with a giant hammock.

When it comes to “thou shalt not covet thy neighbors’ goods” – I need to go to confession more. At this rate, I’m likely to be struck by lightning.

Jealousy just doesn’t make you feel good inside: it cripples and blinds you to the awesome things you do have. It steals your contentment. It makes you anxious. It makes you bitchy and resentful. You are not fun to be around (I speak from personal experience and the testimony of friends who have called me on it when guilty of being “that girl”).

Comparing yourself to others creates an internal dialogue that somehow you are better or worse than someone else. Neither is healthy. Telling yourself you are better keeps you from working on your defects, and telling yourself you are worse becomes an excuse.

Here are a few things I’ve been taught over the years:

Don’t assume. The stories we tell ourselves about the would-be happiness of others based on the cool things they have and do are usually pure fiction. That chick carrying a Prada bag with the fab social calendar may not actually like any of the people she is with, but utterly terrified to be alone.
Skinny people (apparently) need love too. My size six friends want to be twos, and the size twos want to be zeros. They don’t eat much food, and are just as self-conscious – if not more stressed – about their own appearance as I am. There is fierce competition in the set. They also break easily and fall through grates routinely. (Have I mentioned most of my dearest friends are skinny? And gorgeous?) Give them many hugs…gentle ones.
The more you put your focus on giving to others and work to make others’ lives happier, the less you focus on yourself or what you don’t have. Try volunteering. Shock your mother by showing up and doing something for her. Go clean your sister’s house.
Focus on what you have. Lay on the floor in your house. Look at the ceiling and be grateful you have a roof. Imagine not having one. Put your hand on your belly. Is it full? Are you hungry? Even being able to ask that question is luxury. Are you wearing clothes? Do you have a car to take you to work? Do you get to have a job? If you have what you need, even if it isn’t what you want, you’re luckier than many, many people.
If there is something you want, work for it. If you want the trip to Disney, start saving now. Put in more time at work, or get creative and figure out a way to increase your income if you can. You are the only one who can really do anything to improve your situation, regardless of how you got there. Take responsibility for making your life better.

Occasionally, when I remember to do these things, I find I feel an awful lot better about life and people in general. I’m still sarcastic, yes, but I enjoy life more.

The reality is unless we can learn to be happy In our own skins and content with what we have, chances are we won’t know what to do with more anyway.

That said, you people with the awesome boats and sweet swimming pools? I’m a great cook and would love to visit…

Have I mentioned my beautiful, skinny friends occasionally take me to amazingly gorgeous islands with pools? I am blessed.

Pieces of Sky

Posted on July 15, 2012 by balancinggal

I am fascinated by the sky and clouds and love all its moods. No matter where you stand outside, no matter your country or climate, it is always there in its vastness. It is bigger than my problems or concerns: it provides simultaneous escape and balm for my spirit. Into the heavens my mind can soar away.

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